My eating habits are kinda strange at the moment. About a week ago I wasn't eating much at all. For example I think I went the whole day eating nothing but a muffin. Today I had a full breakfast (muesli & an egg on toast) and then for lunch I've just eaten 4 sandwhiches, a full serve of hot chips, half a serve of potato salad and a meat pie. Well actually, it turned out to be chicken, but I bought it on the understanding that it was beef.

I've decided that you can't focus on too many things at once. For me, it's not so much from a "doing things" perspective, it's more from a "brain space" perspective. What has my number one priority got to be at the moment? The book, without a doubt. That's where my focus has to be and the problem has been that my mind has been all over the place - thinking about a million different things, chasing different goals, pursuing different endevours (that sounds very Christopher Columbus).

So, starting tomorrow (Saturday 24th April) begins my Four Weeks of Writing. Until the 22nd of May I'm temporarily pulling the plug on as many other things as I can. Every week night for the next month is dedicated to getting some pages done. Smallgroup is out. Leader's meetings are out. Social activities on these nights are out. Working back is out. Going to the movies is out. Watching TV is out. I'm going to finish this damn thing if it kills me.

We only get one chance at some things and this is my one chance. So in the end, whether it happens or not, no one will be able to say I didn't give it everything I had.

I think one of my problems has been that I've subconciously built up a failure mentality. I've spent so much time thinking about backup plans and alternative careers that I've instilled in myself a belief that I will never be a full time author. Well enough of that. I can work out my back up plan after I've bled every living chance out of this first. I've situated myself in the best possible position to make this happen. So now it's time to do it.

And the exciting thing? If it goes, which I beleive it will, then I'll know in the next six to twelve months whether my life will change forever. Then I'll have the rest of my life to enjoy those other things. But for now, a temporary fast.

If all else fails, I'll just be a motivational speaker...

Had a good chat with Dad last night about where things are going. I like Dad's wisdom. What he has to say always makes sense.

We were talking about the struggle to break out of the loop. How it's so easy to get caught in the rutt with everyone else - the mundane job, the HECS debt, the mortgage - until retirement when you live off your super and play lawn bowls - the norm. No wonder depression is such a major thing in young people. Everyday there's some new article about how HECS increases will cripple young people's chances of ever owning their own home, how house prices in Sydney have pushed everything beyond reach but yet move out of the city and there are no jobs. The last thing I want to do is get caught in that cycle. I don't want to spend my life stressing over how to make a life for my family.

So there are two options as far as I'm concerned - beat it or bow out. Beat it in the sense of doing something get above it. For me this is definately the book. It's my ideal career it's what I REALLY want to do and I've got an opportunity with it. By Bow Out I mean, move out into the country and run the corner shop or something. I refuse to be a part of the Sydney machine.

Of course the prefferable option is to beat it and that's what we were talking about last night. Dad said something interesting - he said that life is a struggle. That's inevitable. But it's up to you how long you struggle for. Either you put the hard yards in now, struggle, don't get to do everything you want and work your butt off, or you play it easy now and struggle for most of your life. Right now is the time to capitalize on what I have - time and money. Two things I will not have if I get to Dad's age and find myself a part of the machine.

So, what happens now? I work my butt off. I believe in this book more than I believe in anything I've done. Not only this book, but I believe in the one that follows it (which is already planned out). It's just a matter of putting the hard yards in.

And, while I'm talking about big-life stuff, I've had a bit of a reality check recently. You know when you're chasing after something and you get caught up in going after that thing and then suddenly you step back and have a look at yourself. You realise that more damage is being done in the chase than the good that could come of the prize. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I guess it's about stopping and holding your head up. Maybe that all sounds a bit proud and arrogant. It's not supposed to be. I think a lot of the time we make a real big deal about selflessness and all that - and it's absolutely important, don't get me wrong - but the other side of it is that we lose any pride in ourselves. We lose our sense of self - and I think that's important. I believe it's important that we know who we are and we strive to make the most of the opportunities we've got. I don't think that's wrong.

And I'm finally getting a sponsor child - woohoo!!

Just thought I'd diarise the fact that I don't feel like a nob anymore. Just kept seeing it on my blog and thought it might look like that was why I'd disappeared...

Haven't posted in a while. Feel like a nob. Stuff I don't wanna talk about.

Off to Soul this week. Should be good fun. God is good - it's a shame we let him down so much by behaving like dickheads.

Anyway - happy face. The sun is rising.

I can't believe it. Yesterday was the 04/04/04 and I missed it! That's it - gone for the year, all over.

Mind you, I am very happy with the way I spent the 4/4/4 - probably wouldn't have changed my celebrations too much had I actually realised what day it was. Went out to Windsor for the first time and ended up at Windsor Baptist. We played there and then had an incredible game of indoor soccer with the youth guys. When I went to join them I asked one of the goalies "which way should I go?" He said, "Doesn't matter, you won't get passed me anyway." So I decided to go against him, just so I could prove him wrong. And I did. I showed him. I scored a goal. I beat that 12 year old...

Picking up Sal's post on flirting (picking up...get it? - I'm still working through last nights pun trauma), a girl told me the other day that the way I put elipses (...) after my sentences when I email and SMS might give a girl who didn't know better the idea that I was flirting with her. I must say, it had never occurred to me before. Does dot-dot-dot sound suggestive? I might have to start placing my elipses more carefully. Or perhaps that's not true at all. Perhaps she did know better and she was just flirting with me? (She did end her message with a ... )

I think flirting is silly. We should all just come out (in the non-gay sense, unless of course that's your inclination) and say what we think. It would cause a lot less confusion, it would obliterate gossip and it would reduce the amount of people taking Panadol. Person A says: "I think you're a bit awright" - Person B says "You're not bad yourself" or "Not interested but thanks for the flattery" and that's that. Eureka! I think I just solved a major social catacysm (I know that's not the right word, but how good does it sound!)

Of course there's always the problem of guts and the fear of getting the second response as opposed to the first. For some people I know they're much happier in the not-knowing. They'd prefer to cruise along and think that there's a chance and be happy with that. Me on the other hand, I have to put it right out there and find out, which has brought more trouble than success I have to admit, but it does reduce the period of insanity. Each to their own I guess.

But then of course, I don't need to flirt anyway. According to a very reliable test completed yesterday Delta Goodrem and I are a match made in heaven. All she has to do is ditch that big greek tennis player bloke and I'm in!

One of the girls at work is away today so I've adopted her stress ball.

I think my body is starting to shut down. It's starting in my extremities. My arms and legs are kinda numb. You know how when you sit in a funny position and you get pins and needles and then after the pins and needles have gone you just feel limp? That's me right about now. My body wants to hybernate.

I have to work.