Whoever has the account for bob@yahoo.com must get a lot of crap in his Inbox because whenever I subscribe to anything or have to fill out a form on the net where they want your email address to send you relevant updates - I always write bob@yahoo.com.

Poor Bob.

Now I have comments...

It's a cool feeling finishing a book. Finished Dirt Music last night - had to read the end bit twice. I'm pretty sure I liked it. There's heaps in it and he's great from a literary point of view. Twas perhaps a bit melodramatic towards the end, but then it was subtle at the same time. I think it's one of those books that will stay with you for a while...that you just feel.

I don't think it beat The Riders though. That was great...

Lots of things happening at the moment:

Saturday went wake-boarding....soooo much fun. I've decided that if I'm ever a rich bugger I'm going to buy a boat. It was so good being out in the middle of the river on a hot day....fantastic. I didn't actually get up on the wake board, it's much harder than it looks, but I did have a few goes on the rubber ring - getting pulled along behind the jet ski and playing human-rock-skimming. Excellent. Then it stormed and we nearly got struck by lightening...

Saturday night I resisted the invitation/urge to go out and sat in my room and thought about my book. I worked out a timetable and how much needs to be done and when it needs to be done by. 66000 words by 3 April. That means 14hrs a week, which, if I add that to my current work and travel time means I'm doing a 70 hour week. I don't know about you, but I reckon that's a bit keen...oh well. Gotta be done.

Sunday led at church in the morning. Interesting dynamic. In the end it went really well, despite how disorganised it was. Powerpoint is of the devil...

Thought I scratched the Altar... that was a scary little while. It was a big beefy scratch about a metre long that I thought I did when I moved it by myself (not a good idea). Told the minister and also had to ring up the guy....that you ring....when you break stuff. I did the whole, "I'm really sorry and I'll pay for it to be repaired and it wasn't a deliberate act of vandalism" and all that and he said: "So, is there one scratch or two?" I said "One." He said, "You didn't do it." Then I breathed a big sigh of relief...

Sunday night I went to a different church, which meant I missed Tom's big sermon. Oh well, I told him it was good anyway. It was great going back to this other church, sitting up the back and being completely invisible. It made me think about how no church is perfect. That even though we joke about some other churches, if we really thought about it, we could probably rattle off a list of negative things about our own too. The thing is that we go where we feel most comfortable and that's a cool thing I think...

Monday played put-put with my family and wrote 6 pages (count is at 40 now). Monday night watched Leighton Hewitt die and had debates about whether Steve Waugh should have been Australian of the Year.

So there you go, that's (as James would say) the what-I-did bit - how about incoherent ramblings...

Stuff is good at the moment...it is...really. It's very busy but that's okay for a time. I can handle that. I saw a girl at the bus stop this morning who I used to see at the bus stop when I worked in the city. She was one of those crushes I never spoke to. (Man, I could write a book about the list of crushes I never spoke to - I liked a girl for four years during primary-highschool and she even sat next to me a couple of times on the bus (because all the other seats were taken) and still I hardly talked to her.) So yeah, the girl at the bus stop...I think she'd be much prettier if she smiled. I mean she's very nice looking, she just doesn't smile. I really don't know why I'm writing this, but I guess that's what makes it an incoherent ramble...

Do people meet and start going out in the same instance? Does that actually happen? You know, hi my name's Matt, yours is Bertha...we talk for a bit....hey, could I call you sometime? You reckon that happens? I don't think I've got much of a chance on the love-at-first-sight front... I reckon someone'd probably need more time with me...

So yeah, it was nice to see the girl at the bus stop....Then I saw Ewan.......which was also good.

I've been thinking a bit lately - family is something I can't wait to have. I really look forward to finding that life partner and having adventures and having kids and buying a house and that whole domestic thing. But the other thing is, I'd wouldn't mind being that cool bachelor with a bachelor pad and a best friend called Bear who would be a giant Alaskan Malamute that I would train to walk without a lead and go everywhere with me.

So yeah, gonna have to decide between girl-of-my-dreams and Bear. Might see which one I meet first...

Golden Globes yesterday - main awards as follows:

Best Drama: Return of the King
Best Actor (Drama): Sean Penn (Mystic River)
Best Actress (Drama): Charlize Theron (Monster)
Best Director: Peter Jackson (ROTK)
Supporting Actress: Renee Zellweger (Cold Mountain)
Supporting Actor: Tim Robbins (Mystic River)
Best Screenplay: Sofia Coppola (Lost in Translation)

I'm happy with all of them, even though the Australian contingent didn't do as well as everyone hoped. I need to get to Mystic River, unfortunately I won't be able to get to Monster for ages because it doesn't come out here in time. Very happy about Peter Jacksons awards though - definately deserves it...

The Last Samurai
Okay - cross another movie off the list. Enjoyed this one although felt it was a bit melodramatic, particularly in the last half hour. I'm still not sure how I feel about Cruise - he did it well but I somehow you can still tell he's acting. He seems like a bit of a smooth operator, which suited him down to the ground in Jerry Maguire, in which he was brilliant, but this was a bit more of a subtle introspective role and while he wasn't bad, I don't think he should be an Oscar winner for it. The movie on the whole was trying to be Braveheart. It had some great bits and some ordinary bits and is one of those films that would be great if it were a true story - but it isn't. Once again, however, the standouts are in the supporting roles - particularly the Japanese female lead who says very little, and nothing in English - but her embodiment of character was brilliant.
Rating: 3/5

I'm not sure whether to post this, baring in mind who reads it. I think I'll write it, and then, when I get to the end I'll read it back and decide whether or not to hit the Publish button.

This could be provocative, but I'm just going to be honest and then read it back and see what honesty looks like...

I don't have a lot of faith in "church". In fact a lot of church culture is starting to annoy me. Church politics drives me up the wall, meetings seem futile and just the "club" nature of it all - the way as Christians we have our little circles that are so different from everyone else. And I don't mean in a moral way, because we are called to be different, but just in a clicky-cultural way. It's like there's this big invisible wall between us in-here and them out-there and no matter how hard we try to take our in-here culture out-there it just doesn't happen.

Take worship for example. When does someone who doesn't go to church ever sing? They'll sing in the car, they might sing at a concert or in a kareoke bar. They don't sing to tell someone they love them and they certainly don't sing with a large group reading the words off a projector. How foreign must that feel?

Some people find identity within the church culture and that's great. Me? I just feel lost in it. Like I don't want to get any deeper into it. Sometimes I feel like I want to be a freelance Christian but no matter where I go I always end up being involved. I can't go anywhere and just be, I usually end up on one or more teams, leading one or more groups of people, going to one or more meetings a week.

When did Jesus go to meetings? When was Jesus on a committee? When did Jesus pull out a whiteboard and brainstorm?

I lead worship once every three weeks on a Sunday night and once every four on a Sunday morning. I will be leading a drama team this year. I'm involved in a small group. I'm on an organising committee for Soul Blokes / Soul Sista. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing these things because I'm interested in them and I love them. I'm really looking forward to doing the drama group this year - it's a new challenge and it'll be great.

But I look at that list and go flip, I live my life at the church. My week has become focused around this thing and I don't know that I want it to be. Sometimes it feels like we live in a different world to the rest of the planet. Like we're in this bubble and we reach our arms out of our bubble and try to grab people walking passed and pull them in.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm supposed to be in the bubble in the first place...

Some quick reviews of the Oscar films so far:

Return of the King
Incredibly impressive and from what I've seen and heard I think it should take Best Film (for the body of work). I think it will, and should be treated, as an award to all three and I think that's fair because it was such a good summation of all three. Great story, brilliant character development, gripping suspense - appeals to all ages. The ideal epic film and Jackson pulled it off, for which he should collect Best Director as well.
Rating: 4.5/5

Master & Commander
I was disappointed with this one. Perhaps because of Crowe's incredibly high standard in the past - I just don't think it stretched him enough. I mean, he was very good - just not remarkable and I'm not sure it's Oscar worthy. As for the whole film, I wouldn't have picked it as an Oscar contender, except for perhaps in the technical awards. I thought the story was drawn out and full of plot holes and, while the character development was good, it didn't leave you walking out of the film excited about it.
Rating: 2/5

Cold Mountain
I saw this last night and was very impressed. All elements were good - well written (oddly structured - rather episodical but I think they pulled it off), characters were great, acting very good, beautifully shot. Definately earns a place in the best film nominated list. The standout was definately Renee Zelweggar (who I don't like personally) but stole the show, both her character and the way she played it - she's a shoe-in for Best Supporting I think. I don't know that Kidman should win it, I mean she was very good but I think it'll come down to who she's up against. All in all, very good.
Rating: 4/5

I started this blog 6 months ago today.

Time flies...

I shaved my beard off. I'm not sure whether I like it or not...feel naked. I imagine this is what a bald person feels like. I figure though, may as well leave it for a little while, see if grows on me (ha! get it...?) if not, I can grow it back again in a week and no love lost.

Back home again now which is good. I like being home. I want to get back into the routine of things. Worked out on the weekend how, if the writing thing doesn't happen, I can become CEO of a publishing company. That'd be a cool job I reckon...

Led worship at church last night, Powerpoint had major problems. Everyone kept giving dirty looks to the Powerpoint guy but it wasn't his fault. As a matter-of-fact he'd done really well because it was stuffing up a lot more before he started working on it...but no one knew that so he copped it. My parents came which was cool.

I've got my reading time back. I've been wanting to read more - I'd love to be a faster reader because there are so many books I want to get through and just no time to do it. I find that if I read then I fall asleep really easy, irrospective of how engrossing the book happens to be. Like I can't read in bed - a couple of pages and I'm gone. But now I'm back to starting work at 9:00 instead of 8:30 which means I get my half an hour at Pymble Station back again. I got through half a Tom Clancy book in a couple of weeks last time I had my Pymble Station time. Now it's Dirt Music by Tim Winton - good book. Then it's on to I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb (bought it from work today with my 50% discount....gotta love it)

It's Oscar season again! I love it, and I don't care what anyone thinks. I get into sport but not all sports. What I do get into is the Oscars. I had my list covered for all the awards last year and didn't do too badly at guessing them. However, this year I'm determined to see all the main Oscar films prior to the awards so that I can make a more educated guess. I'm going to start a little review thing I think. However what it means is that I need to see the following films before 28 February:

Return of the King (seen it)
Mystic River (out now)
Monster (won't be out in time)
Cold Mountain (out now)
21 Grams (22 Jan)
House of Sand and Fog (12 Feb)
Master & Commander (seen it)
Lost in Translation (out now)
The Last Samurai (out now)
Veronica Guerin (out now)
The Passion of the Christ (25 Feb)
Something's Gotta Give (out now)

That's the list so far anyway - nominations don't come out for a couple of weeks so I'll have a definite list then but that's my tip on the Nomination leader's anyway. What it means is I have a few movies to see. More than one a week. I dunno whether I'll be able to do it but I can give it a go. Any one wanna see a movie?

Anyway, my lunch break's over now. Better get back to work....

Writings been really funny lately. I hadn't written since the 8th. With housesitting and starting back at work and so many other things going on I'd been able to avoid it. Which is why it's funny, because I love it. The thing is, when I know I need to get back to it. When I know that there is work to be done and it's not going to happen if I don't put in the hours (success comes before work only in the dictionary) I really don't want to do it and I have to force myself to sit down at the computer.

But then, when I've done it - slogged it out for a couple of hours and got some good stuff down I love it. I love doing it, I love the feeling when I've done it, I love reading back over it. It's just so hard to sit down in the first place. It's like I hate it when I'm not actually doing it, but I love it when I am, if that makes sense.

It's a hard thing to try and explain.

Suffice to say, I've written 28 pages and going strong. It's been good this time, a lot of people know I'm doing it. In the past I've kept it a secret, but this time most people know that I am doing it which makes me accountable. People will ask me what page I'm up to and I don't want to have to give them the same answer I gave them before. That's motivation enough which is working well.

I have to say though, I'm going to be doing it for the rest of my life, whether I end up making a career of it or not. I can't help myself. It's like breathing for me. I have to do it. I've always done it, can't imagine life without it. It really does feel like an extension of who I am, like another limb or something...

Okay...that's just weird...

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson's new film, which he directs but does not appear in. Wow...

I've been reading about it this morning and it sounds incredible. Definately my must-see movie of the year. He's done everything he can to be accurate, so much so that it is all in Aramaic and Hebrew with subtitles. What's amazing is all the objection to it. Someone on Sunrise this morning was complaining that it was too violent. I think it's great to get rid of the Jesus holding the lamb image and tell it like it was - get to the power of what that sacrifice really meant rather than trying to dress it up for the kids. I did that once, went through the gospels and wrote the crusifiction like a short story, trying to be as graphic and powerful as I could from the information I knew. It's great to see someone with the position in Hollywood that Gibson has, using his situation to tell a story worth telling.

I can't wait to see it. Another thing I couldn't believe was that it's been accused of being anti-semitic because people thought it accused the Jews of killing Jesus. Political correctness really annoys me sometimes. Did the Germans protest about Schindlers List? We all have bad things in our collective pasts, sometimes we have to stop trying to deny them and admit our mistakes.

Even so, the point of the film, according to Gibson, is not to point the finger at Jews at all, it's to point it at the whole human race - that we all had a part in killing Jesus, that we do it again every day and that the miracle of the story is that he wants to forgive us for it. In fact, the only appearance Gibson does make in the film is that it is his hand which drives the first nail into Jesus, himself claiming responsibility for the execution of Jesus.

Wow...

Isn't amazing how different people are, yet get beneath the surface a little and we're so similar...

I read once, in a writing book on dialogue, that no one is ever completely honest. Everything we say is not-saying something else. The things we speak are framed by what we can and cannot reveal so that even when we seem to be spilling our guts and telling everything, there's always something that we are still guarding...

I wonder whether that's true....I have a feeling that it is...

Well, Morris the Duck now has a webpage. Please visit if you feel so inclined:

www.morristheduck.blogspot.com

...let the phenomena continue...

Once again no agenda...just words.

I'm housesitting at the moment. Or perhaps I should say zoo-keeping. For the next week and a half I am the sole parent/guardian of an injured dog, two turtles and about a dozen fish. There's a series of sealed packets in the freezer with things like Wednesday: Blood Worms written on them. Gotta love it.

Independence is good. I like being away from my family, not because I don't like my family, but because I enjoy relying on myself. It's like England and Nowra and those other times when I've been away with just me. I feel responsible, feel like an adult. It's good. I can look after a house.

I'm going to a party on Saturday night and I'm looking forward to it. I go through stages, like right now I'm really keen to meet some new people, talk to people I don't know, widen my social spectrum. Unfortunately what normally happens is I get there and my mood changes and I don't talk to anyone I don't know and I don't feel independent or responsible. I feel like someone who doesn't fit. Then I wake up the next morning and say bugger, wish I'd taken advantage of that opportunity and talked to some people. Does anyone else get confused by themselves?

I wonder if we ever fully understand who we are? Do we get to say 65 and go 'hey - this is me!' or do we lie on our death bed and say 'buggered if I know'?

I remember saying to Dad once when I was younger that my goal was to get to my death bed and not have any regrets. He said something along the lines of 'good luck to ya' and muttered something about it not being possible. I didn't believe him but I can see now that I set an impossible task. Not that I have any major regrets - I have minor ones, times when I wished I hadn't been as blind as I was (not drunk-blind, just thought I'd clear that up) - but there are just so many facets of life, it's just so big...

That's not meant to sound like a downer. If I know that I'm gonna make some stuff-ups I can adopt a don't worry about it attitude and just head on in there. I'd like to be one of those seat-of-the-pants people. I'm a little too conservative for my liking but how do you change that?

I think that's one reason why I kinda like being away from home - I feel I can do that more. I'm getting better at it. I've grown up in an organise-everything-three-years-in-advance environment and now I'm trying to be spontaneous. It's not as easy as it looks.

Maybe that could be a NY resolution of sorts - to be more spontaneous... although that would mean I'd be planning my spontenaeity... I don't know if you can do that...

Just thought of a classic movie line that's completely unrelated. Almost Famous - daughter to her mother: 'Steve says I'm a yes-person and you're trying to raise me in a no-environment'...

Ahh....I love that movie. So many cool lines. 'Is that Mary-Anne with the pot?' Go and see it! Or borrow it from me if you want. I don't think I've met anyone that likes it as much as I do, most people don't see it as one of the best but I rate it right up there...

'I am a golden god!'...ha! classic

Okay - I'm going to go now.

So, Charles killed Diana eh? Always thought he looked a bit mischevious. I wonder if he did Kennedy as well?

It's funny how much we love consipiracy theories. UFO's, government coverups, secret military bases. You know we never actually landed on the moon... The thing is, human beings love stories. We live off them. Think about how many stories we hear every day - newspapers, radio, songs, tabloids, jokes, what-did-you-do-on-the-weekend and still we go to the movies or read a book in our spare time. And the thing is, a conspiracy is just a better story. Why believe Diana died because the driver was drunk when we could believe that the queen had her car sabotaged because she was pregnant with the child of a muslim?

Of course there's the other side of it too, Dodi's father relentlessly pursuing his murder theory because he has to blame someone. Someone must be responsible and so we create something, piecing together unrelated fragments of information until we have something that fits, something that makes sense in our heads. Then we get busy collecting information-ammunition with which to defend our theories.

It's brilliant - everyone's a writer, everyone's a creator and we all orbit around this one thing, the thirst for stories. I think that's one main difference between us and the animals - animals don't tell each other stories...

...at least, not that I know of.

There's a woman I work with who's daughter has leukemia. She's two. I don't know much more than that but I hate it. I can't imagine anything worse than having a sick kid.

I can't wait to have a family, can't wait to have kids but I have to admit being a tad scared about it all. What if something happened to them, something you couldn't protect them from? I wonder what sort of parent I will be...

Man, how can we ever complain about anything?

2003 Debrief.

I thought I should do this although, closer to New Year would have been better, now is as good a time as any.

2003 was the best and worst year of my life at the same time. How's that? Well, the best things happened and the worst. The better things outweigh the sadder ones though I think (I see the scales tipping) and the things that went bad, I'm sure will turn out for the better.

In 2003 I got to travel, which is something I had never seen myself doing that year. I got to head overseas by myself, meet up with friends and see so much of this amazing world. It was a huge exercise in independence - I left terrified and I came back feeling like I had conquered Everest. I had organised things myself and they had worked, I had seen things I'd never seen before, done things I'd never done before and had more fun than I'd ever had before. Just as good, I'd gone on a journey with God and he'd answered my prayers in clearer ways than he's ever done before.

In 2003 I changed from working in a job which wasn't me and didn't have a future to one that I love, that I'm interested in and is heading in the exact direction I want to go. It was a job which God provided literally the day that I needed it and although I was one of over 40 applicants and possibly not the most qualified I got it and I love it. I work with fantastic people, I'm surrounded by things I love and there is so much variety it's brilliant with huge career prospects as well.

In 2003 I went on a journey with my writing which I have come through. I nearly threw it all away, nearly said that's it, I'm not doing it anymore but (thanks to the support and encouragement of some close friends) I didn't. Instead I discovered the project which has saved me - a story that is marketable, about something I feel strongly about, about something I know about, full of characters who are deep and three dimensional who have stories that I love to tell. Now I have direction with it and it's happening. I read an incredible book on story structure, I got to go on my first ever research trip and I got to create the story which will either set this career on it's way or not.

In 2003 I got hurt. I had lots of questions about things I thought were going to turn out that didn't. I thought I'd found someone when I hadn't and that was really hard. I grew through it I think, and I've made some incredible friends and discovered people I love heaps, but that doesn't stop that pains of rejection and that was a big one in that year.

In 2003 I learnt something about myself, which in one way answered a lot of questions, but also made me feel hopeless and fairly weak. I suffered more of an emotional battering than I ever had before. I thought about some things which scare me when I look back on them and these were times when I felt more alone than I ever had, like God just wasn't there even though I knew that he had to be. It was like he was just sitting back enjoying me struggle on this roller-coaster. I know now that that isn't true but it was hell at the time.

In summary, I think 2003 has been the biggest growth year ever. I've learnt so much about myself, gone through so many highs and lows and come out the other side (I think) a better person. A stronger person perhaps. At the end of the day, God is so good. And life is so good. No matter what happens, there is always someone worse of than us, and more often than not they've got a much better attitude too. I am so fortunate to have the family that I have and the friends that I have. I am so blessed to live in the country that I do, have the opportunities that I have and experience the freedom to worship him the way that I do. God is good.

As for 2004? 2004 is going to be big. This is going to be make or break in lots of ways. I see this as a huge year, much bigger than the last and I know that I will be in a much different place in 12 months than I am now. And that's exciting.

I'm ready for the next chapter...

Mmmm....so much to blog, so few letters in the alphabet...

I haven't posted since Christmas Day which puts me in fairly considerable blogger debt as far as I'm concerned. Okay - now for a recap:

Christmas Day: Had my grandfather with us for the "immediate family" time this year (that being the get up in the morning around the Christmas tree thing). That was good - didn't feel as intrusive as I'd thought it might. Then it was extended family time and that was about as painful as usual, although perhaps more noticably so this year. And I know we've got none of the family issues that other families have but still, we're just soooo different and I really don't click with my cousins at all. It just seems to be one of those no-one-wants-to-be-here-but-everyone-has-to-be days. It's funny how the joyful nature of Christmas can get lost behind tradition. Shame.

Boxing Day: One day I'd like to go boxing on Boxing Day. Instead I went and saw Return of the King with the blogging/hornsby group. It's kind of weird hanging out with people who you sort of know, but sort of don't. It was good though, they're all very nice people and I have to say some of the funniest I know. Usually in a social group you've got one or two funny characters who amuse everyone else. This group is almost completely made of funny characters which makes it hillarious. It just makes you feel not very funny. But that's okay, I can live with that. The film was brilliant, loved it. I'm usually pretty cynical when it comes to judging films and I normally don't like fantasy but I finished this film and I had nothing to say. Speechless. Says it all really.

Next few days were filled with spending Christmas money on clothes which I needed and didn't need. I tend to "shop" at this time of the year and this time of the year only. I went to the beach, I watched classy movies with people like Scary Movie 3 and Jonny English, I went up to Terrigal for the day and moved my Grandfather (2 ute loads to the Salvos, 1 to the tip and 1 to home) then I moved my room from downstairs to upstairs. (you never realise how much stuff you have until you have to move it - 8 garbage bags full of rubbish!!! and I've only been in the room 3 1/2 years)

New Years Eve was funny. It started off feeling pretty ordinary. We had a BBQ at Freshy and played Soccer and I nearly broke a friends nose. Then we went to Seaforth to see the 9pm fireworks then back to a mates place and good old Mona Vale Rd for the 12pm fireworks (2 years in a row on that front). For that whole 6 hour period I was really flat. I hardly said a word (something noticed by a couple of people I think) and it wasn't very nice. I just couldn't enjoy myself and it was annoying as hell. It was also a dry NYE this year, a decision I had made which I'm glad I did even though it had it's difficult moments, especially because I was feeling so bad. I did make it through though. The next six hours however picked up. I've discovered some things about myself in the process. I much prefer relating to people in small groups 1, 2, 3 other people rather than huge groups. I feel more myself and that was largely how the rest of the night panned out. Originally it was just Steve and I who decided to pull an all nighter (although Steve bowed out at 4am) but then Sal rung in even though we didn't invite her and in the end we went all the way through, which was great fun. Things begin to get a bit weird after 3 in the morning - reality bends. We spent a lot of time bagging each other out which was good fun....because she's a cow (it's all right, I can say that because she's on camp).

New Years Day was celebrated with 2 Bacon and Egg McMuffins, singing All The Leaves Are Brown, pulling faces at people by mashing our faces with tennis racquets and getting burnt on the beach. Then I slept for the rest of the day....

So there you go...there's a bit of a catch up. In there somewhere, a kitchen has been built in our house, I'm 23 pages in on the book, Life Support are planning their return to the stage, I'm house-sitting next week, I played 18 holes of Par 3 golf and averaged about 6 a whole and I got even more sunburnt.

That's pretty much my holidays in a nutshell (help, help....I'm in a nutshell...) because it's back to work on Monday. Mixed feelings, because I love my job, but damn doing nothing is good for a time...Oh well, normal life must be returned to.

And as you can see I'm being consistent in my blogging - don't blog for a week or two, then write half the phonebook...